I’ve been in seminary a few weeks now. There have been a lot of things to talk about. I will get to them later.
The first thing I discovered about seminary is that nothing changes. Sure, I get busier, I learn things, I find new ways to study and techniques to interact with God, but in the end, I’m still me.
Seminary might help you know God better, but it won’t help you know God deeper. I’m still me. I still the guy who gets restless and wants to leave everything behind to drive across the country. I still sit and think that we’re running around chasing after the wind. I still get lonely and depressed and I ignore God for long stretches of time while I do what I assume He wants me to do. I’m still a prisoner to impure thoughts and constant distraction.
The past few weeks have been filled with the same sinking feeling and it continues to weigh heavier and heavier on me. I think God misses me. It feels like He’s almost nagging me. I miss him too. I miss him, but I’m distracting myself. Most of my waking moments are tuned to some kind of music, YouTube video or sports commentary, and I think it’s why the waning moments are void and alone. It’s strange how I can miss Him and still actively ignore Him.
I don’t think it is holy men that enter seminary and I don’t think that it is holy men that come out. As I skim a Tozer book to write a half-assed paper, I am reminded of a good thing. Tozer reminds me that before we can even think about pursuing God, He has first pursued us. I’m reminded of what that nagging feeling means. It means that God is chasing after me first. I don’t have a lot of answers, and I might not have them later either, but I know that my God is worthy to be pursued because He’s the kind of God who pursues first.
This is a cool journey, but it’s not different then the one I had before. It’s not different from the one I will have. It’s the same as all people, but it’s good. I’ve got a lot of work to do, and me and God have a lot to catch up on.